Insanity

As I was rewatching "The Dark Knight", I cannot help but to realise that Bruce Wayne actually got friendzoned back Rachel. Look up the scene where Alfred was reading the letter Rachel left for Bruce =). I mean, someone with the quality of Bruce Wayne actually gets friendzone by someone he loves, what are my chances now? XD

Speaking of friendzone, I would like to quote Albert Einstein. The great man once said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". Well girls, how can you justify when you say, "All men are the same?" when you just like to friendzone someone who just seemed "too nice"? While probably going after some douche who has endless "SWAG", try using SWAG when raising and feeding your kids next time. I got it a few times for that exact reason and why do you think the number of gentlemen is falling in today's society?

There, just needed to let it out a little =).

This or That?

Which one is worse? Being a lone ranger with no one around or having to deal with loneliness among people and loved ones? Both sucks but given a choice, I'll settle for the first choice.

What is L.O.V.E

My first official post. A new journey in writing and let's hope this is the last blog that I'll be starting.

In this post, I'll write something on the topic of love, how I see it and what it means to me. Love to me is actually just a very simple thing, two people, irregardless of sexuality, race or colour, care genuinely for each other and is there for each other. But I guess when you add the human element, which on its own is already very complicated, then love becomes complicated as well. There are issues like communication, trust, timing and yada yada yada, I can go on and on but I think you get the picture? What is meant to be simple, keep it that way. I am a simple person so during my previous relationships, I kept it quite simple, aside from special events, not much of the fancy stuff seen on the silver screen as that's their perspective on romance, not mine and girls tend to get draw into that idea of romance and would at times expect surprises or event on that scale.

I often say to myself and my previous halves, I will love you to the best of my abilities and all I ask is for you to help me to do better, let me know what you want or where I am lacking in. However, that's not how the world works and by the time I get to know is during each arguments and any effort after that would be deemed pointless as it is always seen as me only doing it to avoid another argument. *shrugs* I guess hate the player and not the game?

I get attracted when I see a girl who ticks my boxes but whether or not I pursue the chance is another issue. I have been more of a reserved and cowardly guy when it comes to girls and I see myself as the Malaysian "Ted Mosby from HIMYM". I think way too much and wait far too long for 'perfect timing/scenario' for my own good. Good things come to those who wait clearly does not apply in such scenarios.

There are highs and lows of being single. Highs being times when seeing couple fights and I won't need to deal with any of it as well as having to spend for myself while the low is the serious lack of a genuine companionship where you can just be yourself. Loneliness is not an issue for me, I have lived through most of my life as a loner which is why I enjoy any form of companionship from friends and family, so to say that I'm rushing into another relationship just because I am lonely may not be valid this time.

When I get asked why am I still single, I have always gone behind the excuse that I do not get to meet new people and left it at there. Then in comes my university mate, and introduced me to this app, skout which by and large is used for flirting purposes. He said he is 'doing relatively well' there and asked me to give it a go. Tried I did and although interacting behind a screen and keyboard may not exactly be the best first impression, but it showed me that its not that hard to get to know new people at all, so a little confidence boost for me there =).

Adopting a quote from the movie, "The Pursuit of Happyness", Chirstopher Gardner (Will Smith) said this to his son:

"Hey, don't let somebody tell you.. You can't do something. Not even me, all right? 

You gotta a dream, you gotta protect it. 

People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you can't do it. 

If you want somethin', go get it.

Period."

I guess this is the spirit I should be having in pursuit of my own happiness. I need to quit waiting around for opportunities to fall on my door step and I need to start making my own luck. As how Barney Stinson told Ted, think less, just do! That's what I need now. Rejection will hurt, but at least I get a proper closure, not doing anything will only results in 'what ifs' for the rest of my life.

There is also the issue of love at first sight. This is one that I feel more strongly as I grow older. I have heard people say he/she loves the other half because of his/her personality. Let me ask you this, what do you notice first in a person? Unless you can tell a person's personality by just looking, then you can get me to shut up. On a different note, I'll end my post with a music video. Its a electro plus screamo type of song. Pretty cool if you ask me.

P/S:- Sorry if the post seemed very disorganised. I haven't been writing in a while, feel kinda lost halfway. I vow to improve as soon as possible =)

Final migration

This post was written back on August 30th, 2011, titled: "Persona" 

I can't sleep and I cannot wait until September to write my next post. Been burning with a desire to write nowadays. I am going to write something on an aspect of me which I mentioned a few times before but this time I think I understand that side of me better with the help of the video below:

After watching it the first time, it's like getting slapped in the face and then only come into realisation that, what he is talking about is actually a big part of what and who I am. He talked about 'perfect people' and started off by saying how people under this category showcase their love which I kinda disagree as I do not think I am like that =P. Moving on..

Next, he touched on the point of the misconception between a control freak and a perfect person. I find some relevance in here as well, because looking back, I have been very particular with how certain things should be, be it with my friends or sometimes with my family or just how I arrange my laundry. Some may have cursed within themselves at me for being such a hard head or control freak but truth is, I am not and never even had the intention of being controlling, a better term used by the speaker was that people like me are always on the hunt of getting things 'right', but getting things right is very subjective and our 'right' may not be your 'right', so there you go.

The speaker then pointed out with an example of the furniture on the Titanic which I find a bit exaggerating but funny nonetheless, an example of me being in such state would be when I am driving. I am a nutter when it comes to the law, if I am given an option, I prefer not to make an illegal U-Turn and make an extra 5 minutes drive to make a legal one, call me dumb but that's how I am. There is also me, waiting at traffic lights during the early hours of the day even when they are no one around. I do not stick to a certain manual nor do I have a religion, I just mainly stick to my principles as they give me a certain closure, which brings us to the next point.

Sensitivity, it is what really set us apart from being a total control maniac. After watching the video, I was able to answer some of the question that even I ask myself at times. This may drag on for a while..

I have always see myself as an emotional guy, but now I find a better word for that, which is sensitive. I feel on a level, at times too strong for my own good. Tell me a thing once, if it strikes me hard enough, I will remember the excruciating detail until the day I die. Simple example? If you ever been a passenger when U drive, you would realise that I will have some troubles determining whether or not have I locked the car doors. Why is this? Because I forgot it once, just once, and my brother reminded me the next morning that the car in the porch was unlocked. Just that once, even I am tired with myself at times that I have to check for numerous times to ensure that the car door is locked. Even with it lock right in front of my eyes, at times I would still question myself just to be sure of the already certain fact.

"What they want is people to be sensitive to their feelings,' is what he said and is what I would agree. Based on this sentence along, memories flashed before me and now I see them in a differ perspective that helps me understand myself better.

I never seen it this way but for most of the things I have done for people around me, especially for my friends is that I believe in karma and I hope that I can be treated the same as how I treat them. However, that is not to be most of the time as I put my friends before me without questions, should they need my help I will try to help. Why? I called myself an idiot many times before this, asking why am I constantly willing to help when they most probably would not be around should I am in need to help or just a simple companionship.

Another example would be why my primary persona is a quiet, shy and soft-spoken type of guy. In my primary school years, my mom always said that I resembles a tiger at home as I was  loud and naughty but at school, I resembles a sick kitten instead. Many a times I tried to speak up, and many a times I was either ignored or laughed at as kids can be quite mean without them actually knowing it. I had trouble understanding my emotions but now I guess I was hurt back then. I think since then, I have been more of a listener rather than a speaker and only those whom I grew up with during my teenage years would really know how the real me looks and behave =).

Sticking to my primary school years, although this is not related to the mentioned topic but it can help you see how I function, the incident that I can remember was during an English class, if I may, I was a little better in the language as compared to my peers when I was young and the teacher knew me quite well. It was during one of those spelling exercises done in class, it was one of those words in plural where a 'Y' is replaced with an 'ies' sort of word, like 'fly - flies'. I think I made a simple yet unforgivable error of spelling and wrote 'flys' and as the teacher circled the class, she noticed what I wrote and gave me a hint that I made a mistake, try as I may but I just could not spot it. After realising that I did not manage to correct myself, the teacher asked the whole class to start spelling the word out, and when the first alphabet was spelled out only I realised my mistake but I think that further infuriated her and she lost it a little, scolded me a little and called me stupid with her index finger pointing at me. I was stunned and left a bit ashamed but all I did was just to change the word. The lesson after was history and was taught by the teacher-in-charged of my class, I do not know how but a classmate of mine actually told her what happened and she came over to me, I think my expression was so pitiful that she started to ask whether was I alright, but then, without a word, I cried and I was around 10 or 11 that year. It's just me, the more people cared about me, the more vulnerable I get.

I do not think many would realise this but I am not fond of insects, creepy crawlies or any sort of surprises by them. Why? I guess I must have upset something with my birth given how much I went through before the age of 7..hehe. I was hit in the eye by a flying beetle when I was playing with my neighbour, and why I dislike cats so much is that i was bit, jumped on and being ticklish did not help as well.

But as I get older, I realise I do not take rejections, set backs or stuff  along those lines very well. When rejected or facing set backs, I blame myself first before anything for not being up to par. Which is why I can never see myself and approach a stranger and start talking, more so if the person is a girl. I have always envy those people who can just go up to anybody and get a friendly reception and I'm still envious today.

This post is named persona because I recently just changed my profile information. A simple sentence that describes me quite well but to really know my true natural side is when I am doing something I am passionate about and the best is to see when I am gaming or playing sports. It's not that I play every time only to win but it is more to doing the best I can. When playing FIFA with my friends, missed a goal I'll go berserk =P. During futsal, I get loud and got commented once that they never realised I could shout that loud so I guess it must have been loud XD.

Glad to have came across this video, at least I have some part of myself figured out =).

Just to point out, I do not own the video and links (below) so credit goes to the owner.

Control people - http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_508230&feature=iv&src_vid=gp-tsVtKr-4&v=SP1qkPOD7cY

Fun people -http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_619054&feature=iv&src_vid=gp-tsVtKr-4&v=78LKFls8Srg

Peace people - http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_485125&feature=iv&src_vid=78LKFls8Srg&v=CHWmdkTI2jg

Migration 4

This post was written back in 27 March, 2011, titled: "I have my moments as well"

For some reason, a memory came across my mind and I feel like sharing it here. Its about my childhood. Some events I remember while some if retold by my mom, for instance getting into countless of fits, got infection with the Hand Foot Mouth Disease and finally falling into a collection of durians on the floor (if not mistaken, pushed by my brother when we were young XD). While there is always the mystery to how did I learn my English? As for the ones that I do remember, are that my whole palm got burnt by grabbing onto a red hot metal bar (maybe will share that story some other time) and the most memorable for me is to walk for approximately 8 hours from school back to my house in Brunei when I was around 6, as I clearly remember I was still in kindergarten then.

When I was that age, I was very small, skinny, relatively short although taller than most of my peers, why do I mention these? You'll see in a moment. The way I traveled to school is by some sort of a 'school bus' which had been fetching me for quite some time already, but this does not have the classic black and yellow paint, just how a normal Toyota Unser would look like back in the days, it was called 'Kijang' back then. Due to my size, I was always placed in the small area, right behind the hand-brake, facing backward so at most I could see some knees in front of me. I was always the last to come on-board, last go get home as well as my house was the nearest to school as compared to the others on the same ride.

I was also in the morning session, so class ends around noon. It seemed like another fine day, I waited at the same spot I'd waited every single day and I do not remember being late as well. I placed my bag down and was looking for a fellow member of the same ride home. I waited a little while longer then decided to walk towards where the car is normally parked at (we were told to wait for the driver to come get us as we were still young then) but could not seem to locate the car as well. I did not quite remember the part that followed but I think I went back to my waiting spot, waited for some time until i was literally the only one left. Out of the blues, I was on my way, on one of the most memorable walks of my life. **Looking back now, It would have been so much easier to go look for a teacher for help...but hey, I was 6**

Remember I said my house was pretty near to school? Imagine this, make a right turn from the main entrance  , follow along the road and less than a 10 minutes drive and I'll be home but instead, I took a left turn. Why? Well, it is because that was how the driver went about dropping each and every one of us every-single-day. **My mom asked me some years after the incident how did I manage to find my way home, I could not answer her until today** The way I walked, It's quite funny now but got to remind you that I was 6 then, was literally by the books if I may, just imagine this, I took each-and-every-single-turn-stops-etc-made-by-the-driver. If the driver ever made a U-turn somewhere, I would walk to that exact spot, make the U-turn and continue on. **No short cuts ya'll XD**

That was roughly how I got started, I even saw some of the ones on the same car along the way in their homes and they saw me too, but it never crossed my mind to ask them for help :p. It was not until I made my way up a flyover, the first car that stopped for me happened then. I guess it was quite a sight to see a kid, in kindy uniform, carrying a bag larger than himself walking on a flyover in the middle of the day. I remember it was a Malay couple. They pulled up in front of me, the lady opened the door but instead of waiting for them, I walked towards the driver's side, walked passed the car then continued on, the car never stopped for a second time. I guess the advice to not speak to stranger was really stuck in my mind.

I carried on, some details are missing but around 3-ish or maybe 4, some sort of a mid-point of the journey. Cars were just zooming past my right and non stopped for me since the first couple. I remembered I began crying and was mumbling to myself that "I wanna go home" repeatedly. Was it fear, or fatigues or maybe it was something else completely, I would not know as I cannot recall how I felt at that time, just remembered I started crying.

Another hour passed maybe, I reach the symbolic mosque in Brunei where the roof is made from gold which also means I was near to my home (the mosque area as at best 20 minutes away from the previous area that I mentioned given the speed that I walk with now). It was during this time, a policeman, in a private car slowed down and just crawl right beside me. He was showing his badge and stuff from the driver seat and I paid no attention to him as well, partly because I did not understand the Malay language well, even until today. Things then got a bit hairy as he got out of his car and grab me by the arm and I did struggled but just could not do anything, and I never spoken a word to anybody.

Then out of nowhere, a Chinese man arrived along with his son from secondary school, I guess the afternoon session just finished so it should be around 6 or 7 then. I do not remember when or how the man appeared, but it seems as if he struck an agreement with the Malay policeman to just let me walk and they follow me along **Thinking back now, I sort of got some kind of an escort =D** The man's son was asking me about where my house was and all I did was just point, not a word came out of my mouth.

Eventually, I made the final turn and began walking home, and just like in Hollywood XD, there was light building in front of me, I looked up and it turned out to be my dad. Even until this day, I still remember his reaction vividly. He jumped in his seat while jamming on his brakes. I do not remember what happened next, I cannot even remember how I got into my house! But, what was clear to me was the time in which I arrived at home, it was 9 p.m. Why of all things I remember was the time? Its because "Popeye the Sailor Man'' was showing from 8.30 - 9 on Cartoon Network back then and I only managed to catch glimpse of the ending. I also remember what I had for dinner, just some plain rice with soup. What happened after that, or the next day, I do not remember. Ever since that incident, my dad has always fetch me home until I got a little older =).

After talking about it with my mom during my teenage years, I guess I am lucky just to be alive today as during that time in Brunei, there were many cases of missing child, mainly believed to be kidnapped or stuff like that. So yea, definitely counting my lucky starts. This is one memory that I would never forger, know after writing it down, I guess I never will forget it =).

Migration 3

This was also wrote on 29 November 2009, titled: "DISC"

Remember I mentioned about DISC (a damn accurate personality test) and I am a Type C? Well, a Type C person, is generally regarded as a perfectionist, a person who pays a lot of attention to little details, a persona normally in the background, one who relates to the past a lot and one that is quite reluctant to change. Well, those are some of the characteristics, in which I am seeing more clearly in myself. As you can see, based on the previous posts, I do a lot of referring to my past and in other cases as well. So, proven.

Being a perfectionist, it differs in my point-of-view, as I would like things to go the way I envision it to be, as how it was planned. So, in a way, proven as well.

Paying attention to details, I think I can categorise myself as being obsessive with this. Well, its just m so its definitely proven. Besides, I am always more comfortable with the security of being early. For example, when I pack my bag for anything, albeit it being a school day, a trip or even an outing, I'd go to the extend of 'double' checking my bad, time after time after time. Besides, if you ever get the chance to see how I manage my playlist, some would say I have too much free time. I can go to the extend of make sure, all spellings, capital letters and spacing of each word is how it should be. That's just me :p

Reluctant to changes, in the real life I am still ok but when I am gaming, I'm a different animal and that's where you can see. I prefer an order and my own style of organisation, if you ever played Final Fantasy then it may be easier to understand. The main character for me, must be the strongest character, if he/she died in battle and did not gained any experience points, causing him/her to be behind, then I'll go the distance to make sure that he/she gets back in front. Go figure how I do it. Once again, quite true.

Well, what I actually wanted to say here is that, I do not know whether understanding my own personality through the test was a good or bad thing. Cause, sometimes I find myself, living the way to suit what the definition says. I gave myself a shock when I actually realised it. Well, hope its not like that, although some of the things I am doing now had already started way before I took the test. So, hope I am still normal =).

My second most dominant traits within DISC is 'S'.

S is usually described as submission which relates to patience, persistence and thoughtfulness. How I remembered it was as the one who maintains the harmony within the group.

My third traits is 'D'

D is seen as dominance which relates to control, power and assertiveness. Someone who does not think too much and just go ahead to get the ball rolling.

In last place for me, is 'I'

I is seen as inducement which relates to social situations and communication. It is easy to identify an 'I' person, someone who is never out of ideas and can just talk about almost anything.

When I took the test, the counsellor asked each group (at that time, we did not know anything about DISC) to draw something, anything on a piece of paper. The result was astonishing, the Ds drew a fire-breathing dinosaur which was seen as power and dominance. The Is, drew tonnes of things and ran out of space, showing qualities of endless wits. The Ss, drew a group of people holding hands and forming a circle, showing harmony. While the Cs, we drew an egg shaped figure, and intricate designs within it which we described as 'simple design' while the Ds were shaking their hands vehemently.

So yea, we were also told that there is no one best traits. Each needs one another to ensure things go smoothly. We need a D to get the ball rolling, I to contribute ideas, S to keep the group together while C to deal with the details.  

Migration 2

This was wrote on 29 November 2009, titled "My Little Compilation"

*blowing and sweeping off the dust*

Ahh~, Its been quite some time since I last visiting post something here. Well, I am back! Quite a number of things happened while I was away, I graduated (from Pre-U), I shifted, I went to the karaoke for the first time, I start work and I have return to write!. Not gonna write about what I mentioned earlier, I got something on my mind which I would like to share. So, here goes!

Well, I cam across a word recently, which initiated a chain of thoughts and a little self-searching as well as a little reference to my past. The word I cam across is 'Success'. Well, from what i read is that success is based on one's destiny, whether are you born talented or just another average joe like me here. The path to success or failure is already pre-determined and there is no other way but to go with the flow. Well, I disagree because of a simple fact, that's not how I see it.

Without a shadow of a doubt that some people are just born talented. Well, what can I do? That's just not for me I guess? But having that privileged does not necessary mean a ticket towards success. I believe through hard work, we can go somewhere and be a somebody who actually can do or is good in something.

Well, I have a talent, at least that is what I think. I learn and grab new concept easily. For example, introduce me to a new sport, within that period of time, I can actually start playing a proper game, although being bad at it, but hey, I PLAYED a proper game. Besides, on my musical side, I can play the whole structure of the song after a few trails, for piano its more obvious compared to my guitar skills. So, being 'talented', why am I still an average joe? Simple, because I am lazy, having the ability or talent (in this case) of being a fast learner, I lack the hardworking side for success, I just can't bring myself to further upgrade myself from being good to great, partly due to I lack the motivation or motivator to do so? So, how can success be pre-determined and we're just plainly following the flow?

Well, that was for a bit of self-searching and I came to realise that i hardly succeed in most of the things that I am involved in, well maybe I did had my fair share of accomplishments but the outcome could very well been even better. So, I blame myself for not working hard enough...

Moving on, about my past, about success. I can further prove, besides hard work being the major key to it, one's state of mind is also very important. I'd been telling people to believe in themselves during times of hardship or crisis, did that even more so back when I was House Captain, trying to win the elusive Inter-House Cup back in high school. The most memorable times were my final two years, Form 4 and 5.

Back in Form 4, I was sort of in my prime, after being 2nd and 3rd the in previous two years respectively, I gained some recognition and was called up for the school team's tryout and training (I made my own luck as well since some of the other better sprinters transferred). I trained and work hard, maybe this is the only one that I really worked hard for. Adding to the fact that, I had mild asthma when I was young, so my stamina was never good and that was my major weakness. I threw up a couple of times due to my incompetence, but I kept it together, pushed myself though. The moment of the inter-school track & field was approaching, It was CNY so I watched my diet, won't wanna gain extra weight before the event and my family and I went to Penang, I remember a lot of my family members had food poisoning due to some Indian food we all consumed, yes, WE..I also had it. My time in Penang was far from enjoyable, this period of time just became even more unforgettable. I managed to recover in time, worked on my limited amount of fitness, getting ready for the event. Until, I got struck down with a very, very heavy flu, the heaviest throughout my entire life where my nose was literally blocked 24/7..no further elaboration, still hurts today. So yea, having not being 100% fit, I got sick, adding fuel to a raging fire no? I got a respectable 3rd in both my 100m and 200m heats, but it could have been much better, because, I didn't make it to the finals and the guy who ended up 2nd in my 200m heat was the eventual bronze medalist and he was just within inches away from me when we crossed the finishing line..need I say more?

Nonetheless, the school's Sports Day arrived, I was in, with a taste for redemption, making my debut in the Boy's A Category, where the Form 4, 5 and 6 compete. The favourite was definitely from another house while my own teammate as also more than capable of beating me. Like I care I always told myself, well that's me, even knowing how slim were my chances, I'll at least give it a go before saying its impossible, at least I tried =). Guess what, I made it, I crossed the finishing line first in my 100m sprint, albeit by being just ahead by 0.02 seconds. I won! The joy was overwhelming, as my trademark was to win coming from behind, I did it again! Well, there was a bit of a let down, because I came up short, by 0.1 seconds to break the record. My time was 11.71, while the record was 11.6. Oh well...As for my 200m, it was much more comfortable being 1st, still beating the favourite. Since then, people started to took notice and I earned the respect I feel I deserve in the field of track & field. Was I talented? Nope, I gained it thought hard work and a positive mind.

So, in Form 5, you would have guessed that I would be an automatic choice for the school team? Sadly, would you believe it? No!!! They did not even bother to send a team. When we were made up of a bunch of last minute recruits, they sent a team and when we actually have an established team, having a shout of being in the finals, they did not even bother. My dreams were shattered. My shape was better than it was in Form 4 as I maintained my training throughout the year and this is what I got. I lost hope and slacked, until I finally picked myself up, it was a tad too late as Sports Day, my final one was fast approaching. So, instead of personal glory, I diverted my attention to the team as a while, I focused on building up the whole team with season athletes overlooking the whole training process. Well, in the end, we lifted the cup after years of finishing 2nd. As for me, I got 2nd in the 100m but maintained an unbeaten record in 200m, albeit only for 2 years, hehe.. Ohya, I was in the relay team as well, we won the 4x100m for the 2nd year running, but the main highlight for me was the 4x400m.

My house's Boys A 4x400m team have never lost for 5 years straight, my year would make it 6th if we won. I was pulled into the team as my friend injured himself. I was made anchor (4th runner) as, well, my style is coming from behind. I was sort of like a last resort. Our first runner was made for this distance, but he was at a major disadvantage as he just won his 800m moments ago, so he was dead tired, he ended his up 4th or 5th when he passed the baton. Our 2nd and 3rd runner managed to cut the gap and maintained at 2nd place. Until my turn..yea, I should like a hero here no? Truth be told, it ain't fun. The one in front of me, a seasoned long distance runner and had a 50-60m lead. As for me, you already know about my stamina right? History repeated itself for the 6th time! We won, and I came from behind yet again. How did I do it? I blocked out the fear of me running out of gas halfway from my mind while motivating myself by saying 'the 6th year running'. I did that until I finally caught up and overtook him at the home 100m stretch (my territory). The moment I caught up, its like what's shown on TV, everything slowed down, my team (up in the stance) held their breathe from cheering and when I overtook him, the roar that came, gave me goosebumps which I can still recall today.The rest was just to hold the lead, I did that. Both my thighs, shins and calfs were crying their hearts out and I was in intense pain, but I couldn't care less cause we won!

So yea, was that pre-determined? Was that destiny? If so, then destiny can be altered so easily. If I had not motivated myself, I would have lost, like in the 100m. I had my priority all wrong. So yea, there is more to being successful. It takes more than one ingredient to reaching that ultimate goal. So, let's all work hard for it yea?